We all have people in our lives that we take for granted… they prove their friendship, they show support. You also show you can listen to them and be there for them.
Time passes … People come and go, but some of them stay. And laugh and cry with you.
But among all those who actually give a fuck, there may be one… ONE who cares more. Who is there more. Who knows when to be there and when to stay quiet. And you don’t see it! And that one person doesn’t say a word…
Again, time passes by… you two grow old. And life has this exquisite talent to fuck you up. And in your worse times, it puts this person in front of you. No longer just as a friend.
And this is where things get confusing. And all that bitterness and sadness you accumulated simply don’t let you enjoy it.
In front of your eyes there stands this ONE person who gives you everything. Everything you ever dreamt, everything you ever cried for. Everything that you hoped and dreamy and it just… vanished… lik edust in the wind.
You don’t feel you worth it. You don’t think it can actually happen to YOU! And instead of grabbing it, you just run away. You raise walls, put barriers, search rational reasons. You don’t even know how to say yes or be happy, because you chose suffering for a momentarily happiness that when the actual opportunity for happiness comes, you get scared.
And right before actually saying “hello” you are faced with saying “goodbye”. Because what do people do in crises?! They leave everything behind and fly away. Whe they don’t want to give up or no longer feel happy with anything. But a fresh start for you can be a selfish answer for someone that is actually ready to give into you totally.
This is a question haunting me, these days… this is a lesson for which there is no manual or instructions… but i do know that these things should never happen to good people.
And if i ain’t the best person ever, i might have bumped into a too of a special one… so… there is this doubt… is it possible that:
We all want and dream… We all wish to be loved. To be appreciated, to be seen.
But how many of us wish to love? To feel again that they, indeed, miss someone, that they miss someone, that they want to say, truly, “i love you” to someone.
I’ve been blessed (or cursed) to make people love me. And i’ve been lying to myself for years that i lovedback… Now i am wondering if, indeed, i have loved. I supported, i encouraged, i offered, i listened, i accepted, i endured… But i forgot too fast, when every “love story” that i had in the past years ended. I kept the memories, the lessons, the conclusions and i moved on.
But I remained with the desire. To really love- dream about someone’s hug or kiss, enjoying that seclusion in 2. I dreamt and i am still dreaming about that THE ONE. I tried ( and still trying) to be strong, capable of support and sacrifice, capable of listening, speaking, understanding, being THERE.
Maybe i invested so much time and effort in this that i forgot to open my eyes and heart and offer myself… Maybe i got lost in details that i considered important to deserve to make myself loved, that i forgot actually loving.
The more i gave the more i disconsidered myself…
Is there still someone “written” for me? Do we all have that someone?
I have recently read an interesting legend about a red wire and how, hypothetically, we are attached through it to our CHOSEN ONE and the time helps the string become smaller and smaller until we get together…
Could that be true?! Is that a truth for me, too?… I guess i shall wait and see…
We receive it from the first second of our existence… We offer it from our first breath… We enjoy it, we breathe it, we let it hurt us, amaze us, make us stronger; we cry and laugh about and because of it. But we can not live without it.
There are a lot of types of love, and it is said that you can never love twice in the same manner.
We need it! It’s like a drug, for which there is no rehabilitation center aNd it haunts us for the rest of our lives.
We envy the ones who have it, and we see we make others feel envy when we have it.
We are so desperate in living it, that sometimes we create a fantasy and think that we have finally found it. We like to fool ourselves just to be able to enjoy a brief moment of pure exaltation.
We want it so bad that, sometimes, we even want to be hurt because of it. Just to feel that sentimental orgasm of purity; feel like a god, that everything and anything is possible!
We choose to be blind sometimes and think that things like hoping, searching, reapecting, accepting, enduring , all together, can make it appear. We take it some times as a goal, and not as an origin. And today, i have got to the conclusion that it is actually the origin for all of the other feelings. Even for the opposite ones: hate, anxiety, fear, blame.
We love it. We hate it. We believe in it. We feel it. We also fear it, though.
But for sure, we are always searching for it…
… I want you today to make an imagination exercise: have you ever seen an old woman making a ball of thread? how she uses her 4 fingers as a support for the first rows, and then she adds another one.. and another one? and, if at the beginning, you would never ever think that from THAT can be made a ball, by the end you would feel almost marveled?
OK.. now think that your life is like that ball of thread. That it takes a shape EXACTLY like that ball of thread. The head of the thread is your coming into this life, and from the first day of your life, all the other loops will be experiences from processes that happen in your life: your first taste of breast milk, your first steps, your first word… first day in kinder garden, first day in school, first kiss, first love and first disappointment, first night with your loved one…
All these are experiences. Only that experiences are not HAPPENINGS, but processes. Consequences of our decisions, that bring us in a certain point, when we take a decision and creates the context to live something special. But we should never forget that all of our experiences have ALWAYS, ALWAYS a second party… a third and a forth, maybe, but the second party for sure.
Even when we are alone. Think a second: when you received a good news, your first instinct wasn’t to call somebody close to you, to share your good news? When your loved one left you, didn’t you try to find a shoulder to cry on?
We are not made to live ALONE. We depend on the others, as we are an “other” on who someone else depends.
And so, whatever decision we take, whatever we do, wherever we go, whatever we say it will ALWAYS reflect also upon somebody else. Have you ever thought how much of your experience is another person’s experience? And now, if you do… do you agree with me that sometimes are SELFISH, and we take into consideration only OUR FEELINGS, OUR BELIEVES, OUR WORRIES?
Of course, now you will think : “but it’s my life, my decision. I have the right to live it as i want. I am not hurting anybody… ”
How much of truth is in this? Yes, it is a valid affirmation, i also use it and agree with it, but maybe it is not always this simple.
It’s hard to be spontaneous, and also think at the consequences. Because if it would be so, we would simply leave our life pass by us. Only that, sometimes we can actually give it a thought, before being selfish and fund excuses.
Because there are also people around us, close or faraway, who think about us. Who show us their love, devotion, trust. People that we know they will ALWAYS be there, to share everything.
No matter how independent we are, no matter how isolated we are, we are never alone. Because our experiences are usually related either to someone, in a direct way, either with the ones that we are sharing it. Either as an episode, either as an “event”.
The more we live, the more loops we add to the loop of our life. Only that that ball of thread can never be made by itself, it needs someone to role it. In the same manner, if we are the thread, the hand that is doing the loops are the people around us.
This is not a sermon, is not something to make you think too much… I can only hope that it will make you take into consideration your PRESENT life, the decisions you are about to take, and the reflection that they can have upon some others around you.
Because, as Eminem’s song says :
Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted. one moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
Make every experience count, and make you a better, stronger, wiser person. Past experiences can not be changed. But why would you like to change them? Because you are today the result of what you lived.
Present experiences mold you, even if you deny it or not realizing it…
And the future experiences are consequences of your present choices, even though for the moment you can’t see them.
Experience means more than a stolen kiss, a breathtaking panoramic, a good grade for a project you worked so hard… It involves also the persons with who you did all this, and the others…
And sometimes, even if RATIONALLY we can find and use excuses, our greater judge is with us. Not God, but our CONSCIOUSNESS… And we all know how bad that is…
There comes a day when you wake up… and you feel like something is different today! That you deserve your morning moment, that you want to listen to a certain track and dance naked, after shower, because you can.
A moment when you open your closet and say : “today i want to be sexy and be myself!” And you put on those boyfriend’s jeans and a smart manly shirt, with a small cleavage, you redden your lips and you look in the mirror and say: “today i feel good!”
You get out the house, put your glasses on and walk straight. You admire yourself, your perfect high heels walking balance, your straight back… press play to your perfect soundtrack… and you notice people are looking at you with respect… Men around you start admire you, not lustfully but in an appreciative way. Your colleagues show you more respect, your boss listens to your remarks, your women co-workers ask you about your nails polish and notice your natural make-up.
You feel better and better, and when you get home, as a reward, you drink your usual glass of wine. Only that today seems to taste better, more intense, you enjoy it better.
Today is the day when you see you are the result of your education, your attitudes towards different things you lived up until now. Today is the day when you realize you are the center of your Universe. Today is the day when you started respecting yourself indeed, when you understand that you are not what you wear, but you accentuate your personality with what you are wearing. Today is the day when you realize you are your own best friend, your own cruelest critique. Today is the day when you accept and realize your faults and you know you can live with them, and they actually make you who you are.
You go to bed smiling, and the next day you feel even better. You check your schedule, you talk to your mom and you feel her also a little more confident in you… You like the feeling you had yesterday, so you do what you can to keep it. And you notice how easy and handy comes to look in the mirror, smile at you and say : i want to be liked for who i am, not who i could be…
Days pass by, this new you feels more and more comfortable, more natural. And… you have a moment of silence, tranquility when you start thinking about the last days and sensations… and something new reveals itself: you are no longer a GIRL, you are a WOMAN!
A woman knows her worth. A woman knows how far she can go. A woman knows her pleasures and her dislikes. A woman no longer asks for anything from anyone- she can be her own supplier. A woman knows who is the most appropriate partner for her. A woman no longer makes compromises. A woman assumes her role, assumes her battles, her struggles, she knows how and when to have fun and when to be serious. A woman knows how much is too much of anything. A woman knows what she wants to say or do. A woman controls herself, but also knows how to live the moment.
A WOMAN HAS NO REGRETS! A WOMAN IS PASSIONATE, CONFIDENT, RESPECTFUL, NAUGHTY, NICE, LUSTFUL, A LADY…. at the appropriate times. And once you develop from a girl to a woman, all these behaviors become natural, they are no longer forced or controlled.
A woman makes men keep a respectful distance, a girl makes them just want her; a woman makes girls feel shy and insecure. A woman makes people in a room be silent when she enters, she receives the approval of the real ladies or the envious smiles from girls who would like to be like her. A woman makes her father say: you know, you look like your mother!
Some say being a woman is a question of age. I think being a woman is a question of development. Ever since your first time on high heels, first love, first kiss, first crazy night, first movie that made you cry like a bay or ask an universal question, first important loss in your life, you are putting the bricks in becoming someone. Someone who had some experiences and learnt from them, but also had the strength to get over them and have the correct conclusions; someone who wante dto evolve, someone who discovered herself through all that she’s been living up until a certain moment. Because there comes a time when you talk to somebody or you live somethings that seem to have passed in the past and you already know the outcome and so you know the attitude you have to have.
Because, and i think it is important to explain this: AN ATTITUDE IS NOT A GESTURE, IS AN ACTION THAT YOU TAKE UPON A CERTAIN EVENT, THAT DEFINES YOUR PRINCIPLES.
We all like the “new”: new clothes, new friends, new bars, new places… But this is a kind of new that simply goes along with all the other things we already have, and is not, necessarily changing something.
But what do we do when “new” means total change, when it hits you from nowhere, when it makes you feel and live something you never had before? When this new shows you a different life, a different perspective, new options and opportunities and things you’d never believed you could live?
Of course, the first reaction is to be amazed. And this amazement keeps on developing… Like a snowball. First, you refuse it, you say it is fake, you feel like there is something more than this, that there is a trick, that this perfection can not exist… But, in a moment of enlightenment you decide to just… Go with the flow! Take the challenge of enjoying this different type of “new”.
And,maybe, maybe this has been the best decision that you have ever taken. Because guess what? It EXISTS! And it is happening to you… And there are people who can love you for EXACTLY who you are, there are people who appreciate you for what you are doing, there are surprises in yourself and other which can and will blow your mind.
New is good, new can be magic, new can mean… You own road! Your rediscovery, or maybe even your own discovery: the person that you always felt like you are, but didn’t have the chance to come out of you.
Ok, now you accepted it, you passed over skepticism and past traumas (because you know how it is-each of us has his own dead skeletons in the closet). What do you do next? Learn how to live with it, how to enjoy it, and … Don’t you even worry about making some place for it in your life- it is already in perfect harmony with everything you already have.
Everything in this new comes natural, nothing feels like forced, there is no struggle, just an oasis of calm and equilibrium.
And, at the end of the day this is what i think we are all looking for- that balance between what we like, what we do and what we feel… Because this makes you smile and live better and enjoy your life. And people are starting to look in a different way at you, they see your smile better, they feel you can offer a piece of what they are also searching for.
And, the best part in this new is that it never gets old, because it has its own capacity of continuous evolution and improvement, without changing anything in a major way.
Life can be good, but better when you simply open your heart, mind and soul and believe in something, in a dream, in something new that can make you better, stronger, wiser, more confident and happier!
… a BAD word… a CONDEMNED one… a STRONG one…
It can ruin lives, relationships, EVERYTHING!
It can make you weak. Or strong. It can make you confident, but solitary; happy- but only with yourself. And still, there are moments when selfishness is good. And we all have it. And use it! Even if we tend to imagine excuses, for ourselves, that no “we are not selfish, we just meant good!”
There are times in life when we all “make use of it”.
Once i heard a very interesting thing, and after analyzing it i reached the conclusion that it is actually true: “behind any good act, there is a proof of selfishness!” I mean, let’s take a simple example: even when you give a penny to a poor man you HOPE, think that maybe God will see what you did and will repay you. When you support somebody and you talk to him, you hope that that will help you too; when you go and help your parents, you also do it because you know it will be good for you.
Of course, a lot of people will blame me when saying this and will say: it is not true, i did a lot of things without taking my own benefit into consideration!
We tend to see ourselves all the time more than we are. Even when we say we have a bad opinion about ourselves. We all have the certainty we are above all the other creatures, because we are rational. But… do we always use this… gift FOR us? Are we capable to be 100% honest with ourselves and realize we are incapable to actually act in common, like a heard; forgetting about ourselves and only think about a common well? Are we capable to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of someone else, without waiting for a reward : for our memory to last, for a statue to be build in our glory, for a group of people to “venerate ” us?
We come all alone in this world! And we leave alone! So, in order to make the time between these two “limits” worth it, we fill it in with friends, children, a partner! We can not live alone, but still we can not live for somebody else!
I know i am saying very rough words, i am conscious i can create adverse reactions and critics; but i am also a truth fan; and i think the hardest thing in life is to achieve total honesty towards ourselves.
Have you ever analysed yourself, so in depth, in order to realize that you actually chose to lie, not because you don’t like the truth, but simply because you WOULDN’T HANDLE the truth!
We all say “to be honest”, “i am totally honest with you when i am saying that…” , “to tell you the truth…” and the mightiest of all “the truth is that…”
How can you say something without considering the implications that truth would have upon yourself? For example, you compliment somebody : ok, half a truth would be that it looks great on that day, but the full truth is that you made that compliment in order FOR YOU to create a good impression, to show you have noticed it, and you EXPECT this to be rewarded- either with another compliment, wither with a kiss, or a hug, or a gesture… Anything that would make you, too, feel good!
We all make (and claim we make) sacrifices in order to make the others feel good also! BUT… deep, in ourselves, we know we do that sacrifice in order for it to be recognized, appreciated, seen and even rewarded.
We feed our bodies, with food and drink and little treats! But we also know and feel we have a soul that needs to be fed. And our soul does not use meat, or bread or water to satisfy itself; but feelings, states, significations of actions. So we feed it with love, kindness, happiness, fullness but also selfishness, cruelty, envy.
The fact that we are able to process so many feelings actually makes us weak. Because, we can, sometimes, lose control of what we feel- we can be confused, or dreamy, or deceiving. We are never accurate 100% in our decisions. Because, with little tricks, even the choices that we make, that makes us feel there is free will, can be influenced by external factors. You think i am playing with you?
Try this: make a hot tea, invite a friend at your place and tell him a decision that you made. See the reaction.
Now, make a cold lemonade, invite another friend and tell him exactly the same thing. YOU WILL BE AMAZED BY THE RESULTS!
So, the only thing that is actually ours, 100%, is selfishness: the capability to do something for your own good. And only yours!
But you will say here: i would never do something that would hurt somebody dear to me! And you would actually try to talk it out with a friend, not realizing that you are already acting selfish: you are discussing that thing with someone else because you NEED the approval that you are doing something right, and that you want to be praised you took in consideration someone else’s feelings.
So, i am asking you : how true are you to yourself? How much truth can you handle? How selfish were you, when you read this post? How much do you hate me now for making you see this?